Oral sex can be an extremely pleasurable experience for women, but what do you do when your partner doesn’t do it the way you want it? While you love and appreciate the effort, you may want to tweak the technique a bit to make sure you get the most pleasure possible (as you should). The only problem? Oral sex can be a delicate topic to bring up among partners, especially when you have suggestions for how they can improve. In order to get rid of your fears over communicating exactly what you want, POPSUGAR spoke to a few experts on how to teach your partner to go down on you without hurting their feelings or bruising their ego. Keep reading for five tips to help you have the oral sex of your dreams.
1. Use Your Words
It’s important to first realize that you should talk! “You absolutely have the right to have the kind of sex that you want,” Searah Deysach, long-time sex educator and owner of Early to Bed, told POPSUGAR. “Honestly, just speak up!” Searah recommends using encouraging words over restricting words while guiding your partner to change speed or location to match what works for you.
Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, SKYN sex and intimacy expert, and author of All the F*cking Mistakes, agreed it’s important to be verbal during oral sex. “It’s OK to say, ‘Can you move a bit to the left?’ or, ‘That feels really good, keep doing that!’ during sex,” she explained to POPSUGAR. “Most people do want some guidance, especially when they aren’t used to your particular body.”
In addition to guidance, feedback is key. “Be a compass for them, guiding them with short directions or directing them with your hands, and then reinforce them with positive feedback right away,” Megwyn White, certified clinical sexologist and director of education for Satisfyer, told POPSUGAR. “Take note of your voice, expression, and breath, as they often provide important feedback loops that partners respond to.”
2. Your Hips Don’t Lie
If you’re not comfortable verbalizing what you want, body language can be just as powerful. “Nonverbal cues can go a long way,” said Gigi, who stated that communication is a cornerstone of every single sexual experience. But it’s important that nothing gets lost in translation, so don’t be afraid to be direct. “Move your body in a way that may position your partner in a more pleasurable spot,” Megwyn said. “Lift your hips if you want them to explore a lower angle, and feel free to sensually direct their head.”
Searah echoed the importance of being clear about what you want so as to not leave anything too vague for your partner. “Gently move their face with your hands, put your hand on your vulva or clitoris, and show them the spot you want it, spread your labia with your hands to give your lover better access, or raise up your hips to meet their mouth,” she said. “You can totally use your body to get your point across.”
3. Discuss It Outside the Bedroom
If your gentle guidance and body cues aren’t doing the trick, it may be time for an actual conversation. This discussion might need to take place outside the bedroom. “Because sex is such a vulnerable thing full of ego, it can be deflating when someone says you’re not doing something right,” Gigi explained. “If you’re naked, it’s even more uncomfortable.” Searah echoed this, telling POPSUGAR that you should be gentle when approaching the subject: “You have a better chance of a warm reception if you use ‘I’ statements and don’t come out swinging,” she said.
Megwyn recommended leading with a positive and first highlighting what they did that was different, fun, or enjoyable, then suggest something new that you know you would enjoy. “It’s important to frame your thoughts less as a criticism, and more as a curiosity,” she said. “Rather than talking about what they’re doing wrong, try encouraging your partner to do something different, so instead of ‘I don’t like it when you do . . . ,’ try, ‘I’m curious to see what it feels like to . . . ‘”
If that conversation seems too uncomfortable for you, Gigi suggested sexting as a way to drop technique hints, as you can describe to them in detail what you want in a way that’s meant to turn them on, not bring them down.
4. Don’t Fake It
Experts agree that whatever you do, don’t fake an orgasm. “Faking orgasms leads a partner to believe that what they’re doing is working when it isn’t,” Gigi explained. “It will lead to more faked orgasms because they will keep on doing the thing you didn’t like because you’ve pretended to like it.”
Megwyn agreed that pretending to climax creates a negative and unsatisfying pattern. “Oftentimes, females get used to faking their orgasms and it becomes a default,” she said. “When you are open and honest with your partner, it’s a win for both of you and will ultimately help support your intimacy as a whole.”
If you’ve never been able to orgasm from oral sex, Searah recommended telling your partner beforehand to manage expectations. “If you start by taking the pressure off yourself to orgasm, you might even find that you are able to relax and enjoy the activity more and they may feel less like they didn’t perform well if it ends with no O,” she said.
5. Explore Together
Keep in mind that while you may think you’ve mastered what works for your body, you don’t know what you don’t know. Get curious about your body and encourage your partner to as well. “A common mistake is only focusing on one area and not exploring more of the entire vulva,” Megwyn said. “Changing it up can offer a deeper release.”
Above all, remember that all good things — and good sex — come with time. “It just takes some practice and patience for both you and a partner to get in sync with each other’s bodies, especially if you don’t have the same body parts,” Gigi explained.